:: Bruce Leroy's Pad ::

:: Thursday, May 29, 2003 ::

mood: .....
Song Playing right now: .....

I don't think i have anything to write at this point. But then, why post if i have nothing to say? I suppose that would mean that this post does have some sort of purpose after all.

Goodnight.
:: bruceleroy left this message at 11:15 PM [+] ::
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mood: disturbed
Song Playing right now: The Closer I Get to You - Roberta Flack and Donnie Hathaway

It's hot in sac. Reediculously hot. I feel like a prisoner in my apartment. It's just so.....uncomfortable to be outside. The sun hurts ya.

Anyway, i finally heard G.T.'s tracks (singer from Doghouse records). They are pretty coo....i really like a few of the beats. However, the content is the same as everything else out there. Sex obsessed moan singing......the same type of music i view as a major contributor to the sex obsession of the Black community. You know, i really like DJ Frank and G.T. They are really coo cats. This situation presents a moral dilemma. On one hand, i gave my word to help these guys out - foolish to do before i actually heard the material. On the other, i have serious moral objections to putting my "endorsement" on this type of music. For any young ones that look up to Bruce Leroy....is this the kind of impression i want to give them? That i will dance to anything for the possibility of fame? Not to mention that so far, i have been working for these cats for free.........

dammit. -_-

In other news, looks like there is a promising job opening. Possibly assistant manager at a new Electronics Boutique! o_O Although i don't like retail, and the EB corporate structure is often incompetent, it would be a job that could support me. And a managerial position would mean responsibility AND pay at the SAME TIME!!! When it comes to jobs, i am too used to being taken advantage of. Or maybe i just work too damn hard. I never have been one to differentiate $7/hr effort and $13/hr effort.

Man, this weather sure makes me cranky.

Enough ranting for now. There are some exciting things to look forward to. This weekend, i head to the Bay. The goddess with the heart of a million suns and a smile that stirs my soul awaits. And this time, no distractions. ^__^


Over and over again
i try to tell myself that we
could never be more than friends
but all the while inside i knew
it was real
the way you made me feel.....


Rawr. ^__^ \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 9:20 AM [+] ::
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mood: chill
Song Playing right now: the sweet sounds of Guilty Gear XX

Lots of things went down this weekend.

I got my stuff in from Outpost.com. Tinkered with Digi camcorder and played GGX2 ALOT.

Got a random call from my Groove brotha Gwinyai. Good to catch up on old times.

Finally got to talk with Malia-chan! ^__^ maybe, just maybe, this whole car thing will have a resolution.

Got word that my Great Aunt Vick died in a house fire back in Louisiana. Pray for the family. -_-

went to my friend Anny's Birthday gathering. Went to "paradise island" to play miniature golf and a bit of DDR, then to this resturant called Hikilau. The food was delicious! It was great to see the old high school crew again.

Went to a club in Davis Sat night at the request of DJ Frank. Met another dancer who was pretty coo. Gonna put together a routine with him sometime soon.

There were alot of drunk white girls there. Looks like the latest fad in Davis is dancing Black guys with hair. Lets just say i got more attention than i expected. Or rather, a type of attention i didn't want. -_- I dunno. i just don't dig white girls. I mean, i am friends with everyone, but i have never had a connection. Most of the time i just feel.....uncomfortable. I get the feeling that i am viewed as a trophy to be won rather than a person to be met. Many say that they are the "Black man's kryptonite." Well, i ain't superman. I would liken myself unto King T'Challa. To him, kryptonite is just a rock. Vibranium is the element he is interested in.

Now that i said all this, some stunning white girl is going to come along and make me eat these words. Gotta watch out. Fate likes to play games like that.

Meanwhile, in the midst of the action, my mind still dwells on Wakanda.

Word. -_- \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 11:59 PM [+] ::
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mood: cheerful?
Song Playing right now: That's the way love goes - Janet

"How do you get someone to love you without affecting free will?"
"If you ever find the answer to that question, let me know."

-- Exchange between Bruce and God, from the film Bruce Almighty


That's right. i went to the movies ALL BY MYSELF. ^__^ i feel all grown up. Jim Carrey is hilarious, as usual. The movie brought up some interesting issues to think about. Can God have limits? And just how much does he/she intervene? .......I even sometimes wonder if such an entity exists. Perhaps our entire existence is simply governed by a set of rules. A system too complex for us to understand. An encryption beyond logic. But rules, nevertheless.

I think its a little selfish for humans to think that some omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient being has interest in the personal events of each of our lives. What is in it for the almighty being? Why should it care?

o_O

wow, this sounds awfully pessimistic. Excuse that......my innerchild has been pouting because it is mad at Destiny.

-_- \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 1:03 AM [+] ::
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mood: Joy
Song Playing right now: Soul Sista - Bilal

"You can't see past the choices you don't understand."

Words from the Oracle in Matrix Reloaded. Profound words.

"Comprehension is not a requisite of cooperation."

Counsellor West. Same movie.

There is so much we don't understand in this world. So many whys are left unanswered. I want to know. I want instant gratification. I want proof that things will be okay. However, that is not the way our reality works. Sometimes the path is not clear and obvious. So i cooperate with my feelings, my thoughts, my logic, and the little wisdom i have obtained to lead the way through a choice that i don't fully understand. Humans. We are so restricted by time. We never have any idea how things will turn out in the future.

On second thought, maybe we do, on a subconscious level. Perhaps that is what faith is.

"The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
--Heb. 11:1


Word. -_- \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 8:17 AM [+] ::
...

I stood on the edge of the sea.

I had stood there for ages.....day after day, watching the waves dance and disappear into the horizon. Sometimes the water excited me, and i would play with it for a while; but eventually the tides would turn and the waves would leave me longing. Then, far in the distance, i was intrigued by the appearance of something that was never spotted before. An island, strong and true, amongst the waves. Something that wasn't moody like the tide.....something steadfast.

I built a boat. The materials were there.

I found a sail. The materials were there.

Even the wind ruffled in my favor.....speaking, beckoning in a silent voice.

I left the saftey and comfort of the shore for the first time.

I am now on the sea, in the midst of the storm. The island....ever closer, yet ever so very far away. Would fate play a game such as this? To provide me with the means and the will to chase a dream that would never come to pass?

I honestly don't know. All i know is that my soul was never kindled when i stood alone on the shore.

I feel alive.

^_^ \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 9:18 PM [+] ::
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mood: thoughtful
Song Playing right now: I wanna be your man - Zapp and Roger

I just saw Matrix Reloaded last night. Hands down, it is the best movie made on American soil. There is a new "holy trilogy." I am officially ashamed that i was excited about the racist, overglorified, commercialized new "Star Wars" episodes. The Matrix is superior in action, special effects, and most importantly - philosophical and artistic significance. I don't want to spoil the movie for any of you, so no details. But i can say that, for the second time in my life, a movie is making me read. The last time that happened was with the original matrix. Oh, and it is automatically the greatest movie of all time, because Cornell West is in it.

Alors, a ma belle d'Afrique: Tu est tres mignon, et je ne puis pas attendre jusqu'a ce que je vous voie.

Mot. ^_^ \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 9:16 AM [+] ::
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mood: excited
Song Playing right now: Just Once - James Ingram

Inspiration struck this morning. I might not totally suck at B3 after all. XD

My Groove Brothas called me recently. They want me to come back to the east coast. And right now, that sounds like a great idea. I really love it out there.......but i can't just pick up and leave. not yet.

There is at least one more play that needs to be performed. And i don't intend to leave during the intermission.

Word. ^_^ \/
:: bruceleroy left this message at 9:30 AM [+] ::
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mood: industrious
Song Playing right now: I Swear - All 4 One

Chore day.

Laundry. Kitchen. Bathroom. Groceries. Bookshelves. Posters. B3 Routine. Cover Letter.

LET'S GET IT ON!!

*task completing frenzy*

^_^ \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 10:36 AM [+] ::
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mood: calm
Song Playing right now: So Right - Rashaan Patterson

Nothing has ever ever felt so right...........i'm in heaven when i look in your eyes.......nothing has ever ever felt so right.......so right......so right.

Haven't posted in a while......i don't know if it is because i have had nothing to say, or if i have had too much to say.

As far as the job goes, no calls or emails yet. I'm beginning to get a bit ansy......

DJ Frank, the guy from Doghouse records, came over yesterday. He wanted to make use of me photoshop skills to make a CD cover for GT (the singer i will be dancing for). After some tinkering, the cover was finally done. He seemed very pleased with it, so i am pleased. I am by no means a photoshop expert. ^_^; After he left, i worked on the prototype website for Doghouse. Its not much, but tell me what you think. Also, it seems i will be on Davis TV in the near future, showing off some DDR freestyle vids and doing some live dancing, after which i will recieve calls and stuff.

Why am i so calm about all this?

Maybe because it pales in comparison to the treasure found by this Nubian warrior. You know, some of my friends might see this as a infatuation.....but few can really understand what i am going through. In previous relationships, there was attraction, and i would be excited about that. however, something always had to be compromised. And that 'something' was always an integral part of my soul. But with the goddess......no compromise. She really, really understands. I don't have to hide behind the usual mask with this female. Its a strange feeling.....and it hasn't worn off yet. I mean, i even wrote a poem for this woman. I NEVER have written poetry in respect to a female. Hell, i just DON'T WRITE POETRY. Somehow, it was really easy............

Have you ever been totally comforted by the presence of another?

Even if it was only audio?

And you don't say anything?

-_- \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 9:31 AM [+] ::
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mood: chillin
Song Playing right now: silence

Life is going good. I have no words of wisdom to offer.....but the words of another come to mind.


Heaven is....extremely high. Open, round, immeasurable, it is boundlessly vast. Covering everything, containing everything, it produces myriad beings without presuming on its virtue, it bestows blessings on myriad beings without expectation of reward.

.......

If people can be open-minded and magnanimous, be receptive to all, take pity on the old and the poor, assist those in peril and rescue those in trouble, give of themselves without seeking reward, never bear grudges, look upon others and self impartially, and realize all as one, then people can be companions of heaven.

---Liu I-Ming, Awakening to the Tao

This just seemed really profound. To find peace, emulate that which is at peace. Nature.

Word. ^_^ \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 8:33 PM [+] ::
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mood: Son of a......
Song Playing right now: Everything's gonna be alright - Marley

[rant style=eastcoast atrrib=vernacular]

Yo son. I saw this bangin' ad in the paper the other day, about a job fair. Word. So i head out to the spot this morning, and it ain't no job fair......its some "personnel service" for job placement. I was about to start MAD beef, but i just filled out an app all grumpy style and got up out. I need to get things together on the employment tip, but DAMN i hate being decieved into BULLSHIT. They better come through with the mad job offers. Word is bond.

[/rant]

~exhale~ I feel better now. The job hunt continues, peoples. The resume is now complete. *twiddles fingers* eeeexcellent. I can't wait to get things rollin.
@_@ *stares at phone, willing the perfect employer to call*

.........

*shakes head* ^_^; yeah.

In other news.....my life continues to be a stew of stirring emotions. Oh, what this young man wouldn't give for simpler circumstances. I now know first hand the meaning of "existential quandary." I really don't have the answer for this one. All i know is that my heart floats, my mind is captivated, and my soul has been reached......but somehow i must maintain some boundary.

Its like trying to contain the vastness of the sea in a teacup. But it is what i must do.

Word. -_- \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 3:54 PM [+] ::
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mood: wow.
Song Playing right now: Newness - Musiq Soulchild

Job hunting....bleh. Bank, Hotel, Hospital, Office.....where will i land? Put in a few apps today...lot more will happen when i update my old resume and start sending that out. *dusts off and old floppy* ~cough~ Oh yeah, my career is taking off. Watch my speed. XD

Just came back from the movies. Yeah, that's right. I went to see X2 again. My friends dragged me, i swear! ^_^ Okay, so its a cool movie. Shaddup. It still has too many discrepancies. XP

The most notable event of the day, however, took place between the preceeding two. A most moving conversation between me and my intellectual oasis. I have never exchanged words such as these with another human......I mean, the kind of conversations we have are.......its so........ damn. I really am at a loss for words. Too much quality to explain.

I can't wait for B3. And my impatience has nothing to do with DDR.


Word. -_- \/




:: bruceleroy left this message at 9:39 PM [+] ::
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mood: "........"
Song Playing right now: When I get you Alone - Thicke

My life is as so many whispers riding on the wake of the wind........fragile......precious. I stand ambivalent. Angry about the cruelty of time's flow; blissful and grateful for the introduction of a person so incredible.

Am i destined to be fortune's fool?

....... -_- \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 3:08 PM [+] ::
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Mood: wahoo!
Song Playing right now: Just like Water - Lauryn Hill

I am really diggin' the Lauryn Hill unplugged.....its less of a "music" cd and more of an "activist" cd. Lots of truth eminates from this woman; courage as well. Especially on 'Mystery of Iniquity' ........ makes me wanna holler.....throw up both my hands..........

Last nite was spent in Davis. Where i was totally without reception. -_- Dumb cell phone. I am just glad i was able to find my friends house.....had to go off of distant memories. Good thing Davis is small. Anyway, i watched some of my friends imbide themselves with alcohol. ^_^ Sang a bit of Karaoke. Then we went to see Xmen 2......

>_< too many discrepancies.........forced character development........Storm is too cute........No Gambit........head hurting..........

At least i got to see the final "full" trailer for Matrix Reloaded. It was worth the price of admission. I can't wait. The Wachowski brothers are the only american filmmakers left that invoke thought. Their creation is a philisophical masterpiece.

My parents and little bro came by this morning for a little visit......and they brought me food! X9 YUM! My parents treat me so different now.....i don't know if its because i am acting so much more confident about my life direction, or maybe them trying to adjust to their son as a non-student for the first time ever. i just hope this doesn't adversely affect my brother......i have always been his role model, and i MUST succeed for him if for nothing else. But at the same time, it is my life......and i have to do what is right for me.

Word. -_- \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 9:56 AM [+] ::
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current mood: Swono-ing
Song Playing right now: Mystery of Iniquity - Lauryn Hill

Progress. There was progress today. Where to start.......

First off, my long time romantic interest, Tracy. It seems as if events were leading to us getting back together. However, things had changed as far as my feelings...... *flashback* i had told her, in earnest, that i was still in love with her. Back in Febuary. A month or two down the line, after certain events and conversations with her, i realize that we may not be meant for each other. Not to mention that she never returned those 3 little words.

Just about this time, the winds of fate graced me with the presence of a queen.........the voice from the west, the kindred spirit. This woman is the dream that wandered into reality......the reason why i can't control my smile as of late. And the mere fact of her existence hastened my conclusion concerning Tracy........that I would have to be honest with my feelings, and explain to her how i no longer saw undying love between us.

That conversation went down tonight, ladies and gentlemen. It went....better than expected. I guess i was prepared for the worst - and also a bit fearful of the unknown (Tracy's reaction). Things turned out well. I said what i needed to say, and she gave her response.......it was all very honest. The weight is lifted off the shoulders of this enlightened student of life. It was wierd to finally let go though.....i suppose i had always factored Tracy into the long term equation, and now the map is once again cleared. Day by day, BJ. Day by day.

Now all a brotha needs is to get this car situation together....and secure some adequate employment. Finally, progress. Things are coming together. Its close. I can feel it.

As for now........my attentions turn to the "Brown Skin Lady."

Word. -_- \/


:: bruceleroy left this message at 1:17 AM [+] ::
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current mood: joy
Song Playing right now: Black is the Color of My True Love's Hair - Nina Simone

I decided to put my mug in the sidebar. I apologize to all that are offended. ^_^

Work..........bleh. Today was shipment day, so i actually had something to do.....until noon. -_- I don't think i would have any issues with this job if it could actually support me.......but 22 hours a week max is not cutting it. And half the time, there is nothing to do. I don't like consistently getting paid to chill.......i guess that is what i get trying to be so efficient all the time. It almost feels like i am being penalized for getting things done. ~sigh~ No calls back from anywhere else. Time to go out again and get this job thing seriously rolling.....i don't have time to waste. Gotta make it happen.

NINA SIMONE. GOD, where is my sax. >.< i left it in Vallejo!! dammit! i have to be satisfied scatting along with her for now. Mississippi GOTDAMN!!

I talked with my mom today.....mostly about recent experiences. Yeah, i am a major mama's boy, and i tell her just about everything. Mama always got the answers. ^_^ Sometimes i am surprised by how many people just can't talk to their parents at all. It's sad to me.......children that do not develop a strong relationship with those that brought them into this world - or parents that don't bother to forge a strong relationship with their offspring. *shakes head* Anywayz, mom's major theme was "take it day by day." I will mom. I will. And each day is seemingly better than the next.

Now watch as BJ smiles uncontrollably. ^____________^

Peace ^_^ \/
:: bruceleroy left this message at 3:10 PM [+] ::
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current phrase: utterly ridiculous
Song playing right now: All I Do Is Think Of You - Troop

gotta go to work. Write more later. XD
:: bruceleroy left this message at 9:36 AM [+] ::
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